Hailfrost [OLD]

[river]

Name: Hailfrost
Prefix Meaning: Hailfrost's prefix is Hail because of the shade of her pelt.
Suffix Meaning: Since she has such a short-temper, the leader gave her the prefix frost
Age: 14
Rank: Warrior
Clan: DayClan
Description: Her fur is a light silver, becoming a shade of blue under the moonlight. It has white markings along her tail and darker shades of gray through her pelt. Her tail is short and barely makes it to her muzzle when she is laying down. Her green eyes split through the night, if she's ever up. They turn from a pale green into a bright emerald. Her nose is a dark shade of pink, almost red. The pads on her paws are tough and smooth from all the traveling she has done on the territory.
Everything about Hailfrost's size screams tom, though she isn't. She has a large build with muscles covering her body from all the training as an apprentice. Her broad shoulders are wide and help her brawn when she has to fight. Since she has such a heavy build, it's easy for a cat to think she would be slow and clumsy on her paws. Surprisingly, each of her paws steps are quick and silent. She has no problem hunting DayClan's fast prey. Her claws are long and barely peek out of her claws, forever visible to any cat. Her fangs are as sharp as any and help greatly when she's hunting.

Personality: Hailfrost is a kind she-cat, good with kits and respected by most. She makes reasonable actions and doesn't quite jump to conclusions. She doesn't mind sharing prey with other cats and would gladly give up her meals so others could fill their hungry bellies. She makes a great warrior during Leaf-bare. She isn't as bright as other cats. Sometimes cats try to take advantage of her. But she makes sense of common things, able to think for herself, so she usually sees what they're trying to do.
On the other paw, Hailfrost is a fierce fighter. Her claws seem to have a mind of their own, always sharp and clever. She's hard to stop when she's in a battle. She's constantly striving for a fight with SunClan. She hates that Clan more than any other, perhaps even DeathClan. This she-cat has a short-temper and when it goes off, it flares like a forest fire. Being a particularly new warrior, she's not as tolerable as others to insults from other Clans. Quite a few times, she's broken the truce at the Gathering because of another cat's sharp tongue.

History: When Hailfrost was first-born, Hailkit back then, a battle was raging between SunClan and DayClan. Her father, a warrior named Snowfang, was killed by a SunClan cat. Not knowing that the cat who had killed her father later joined DeathClan, she kept her hate for the Clan. She was born in a litter of only her, raised by her mother. Her mother played with her as a kit and taught her the ways of the Clans. She enjoyed the Nursery life, constantly annoying the elders and playing with young apprentices and even some warriors.
After six moons of fun playing, hard learning of the Warrior Code and rules that warriors and apprentices alike must follow, she became an apprentice. As Hailpaw, this she-cat found hunting difficult. Her mentor was Brightshade, a fast tom and very good at catching the quick prey that lived in the territory. When she was young, Hailpaw was very clumsy with her paws and always scared away her catch before she could get a glimpse of it by tripping over one thing or another. Though she was an unsuccessful hunter, she was a bright and cunning fighter. Her claws seemed to speak for themselves when she fought and quickly rose above the other apprentices, becoming a new warrior fast after she had managed to overtake her mentor in a mock fight. He decided to incorporate hunting in with fighting, making her use her paws. They were quick as lightning and as silent as a breeze when she was in combat. He had told her to pretend that the prey was threatening to fight her, making sly comments and calling her names. Her short-temper kicked in as she easily overcame the obstacle of hunting.
As a warrior, Hailfrost found it unbelievable that she was in love. She had made the silly mistake of letting herself get caught up with herself as she fell in love with Brightshade. It wasn't that difficult to accept soon after finding out that the tom had the same feelings for her. They became loyal mates soon after receiving her warrior name. It soon came to an end one night on the plains.
She, her mother, a pale brown she-cat named Plainclaw, and Brightshade had been hunting one day during the day, fighting a fierce rain storm. The Clan was low on prey and kits were hungry, so they volunteered themselves to go. They were over by a fast creek that was flooding when Plainclaw slipped in, quickly being drawn downstream. When Hailfrost had tried to leap in after her, Brightshade took her spot. The two cats were never seen again. Now, she has no family in the Clan and no one to confide in. As a lone warrior, she makes the best of things and still enjoys stopping by the Nursery, to the place she was so close to being in as a queen.
Picture:

[e C H O +]

Before I say anything else, I'm going to say this: Fix the coding and the grammar/spelling/punctuation. This includes putting spaces after the colons.

One more thing, actually.

"Since she is fast on her feet and a good fighter." This is not a complete thought. Nor is the sentence before it. Work on finishing one thought before starting a new one.

[river]

And to think I actually got it right. *Sigh* I changed it, anything else I did wrong?

[e C H O +]

The "description" paragraph is still in boldface and you have not added spaces after all of the colons. Also, it would be "Hailstorm's" instead of "Hailstorm" in the "prefix meaning" section. I'm pretty sure that someone had a problem with the name, even though I don't. And just so you know, I haven't even read past "Clan." Fix everything before I notice it and correct you. I'll be happier, and everyone likes a happier Echo :3 Also, just to make sure you understand, I am under no circumstances trying to be mean. I just want this to be perfect, or at least as damn close to perfect as possible. ^____^

[Fia]

Normally I wouldn't have a problem with her name. But it's an issue because Hailstorm was the warrior name of a significant, rather nasty, very recent leader, of this very Clan, no less; I'm sure the current leader remembers him. So either prefix of suffix would have to be different. *pauses and shrugs* Or both. I'm sorry; I know from experience that changing names is a pain, but there is a precedent to this situation and we're following the procedures we followed in that case.

Other than that, just the stuff Echo pointed out. X3 It's true, everyone really prefers a happier Echo.

[river]

I fully understand. You're just doing your job, no one can blame you for that. I'm just a little disappointed in myself, is all. I used to be an honor student in English. Now here I am struggling to get this bio right. Sorry if I made it sound like I was getting mad or aggravated, I'm not.

[e C H O +]

Okay, please do something for me. Open word. Copy your bio. Paste it into word. Fix anything that it underlines.

[river]

Alright, I edited it as far as it said I should. Anything else that I might have missed?

[sunfrost]

Only one thing; there weren't any spaces in between the semi-colons. But don't worry about that, I fixed that myself. It wasn't a good reason to hold up your much-improved bio Just remember to do that in the future.

Accepted. Your cat will soon be moved to the acceptance board. Hurlstar welcomes you! We needed some active DayClanners.