RP training school

[blitzy]

The School of Blitz. Here we learn how to blitz the quarterback, learn how to take over the world, and be the cruel torturers of the world! So if you're interested, sign on up. The dark side offers cookies!

Alright, back to the serious note. I'm opening up a school for those of you who want to have better posts. Because lets face it, posting short sentences when another person posts long paragraphs can embarrass you. At least, it did for me. So here is where you come and become enrolled in my school and I shall help you.

I'm going to give an example to make sentences longer.

She walked quietly. The mouse was just there. It didn't know she was stalking it. She pounced and it squealed. She killed it. Then she ate it.

See, crappy. It's how I used to RP before I went to a school and learned better skills. The sentences aren't complete sentences. They don't have an action and a subject in every one. And some of them can be combined to make it flow easier.

She walked quietly, seeing the mouse was right there. It was clueless of her presence. She pounced, and the mouse let out a squeal. But it died quickly, and the cat ate it.

Better, but not perfect. Now it flows a lot better. But there's room for improvement. It doesn't describe the cat. Describe the cat, the mouse, the environment.

Scenting the mouse, she started stalking towards it. Her figure was perfect; head close to the ground, paws stepping over the grass quietly, no sound coming from them. Her light paws carried her closer to the prey, it still clueless. She settled into the grass, watching it. Then springing into action, the she cat shot from the grass, a bullet firing from a gun, speeding to bring down its target. Her paw shot out, its mark true. The mouse gave one last squeal in fright, then fell limp at her feet. She settled down next to it, giving a glance around to make sure no one wanted to steal the prey. After she was satisfied, she ate the creature, then ran her sandpaper rough tongue around her lips, clearing blood from them.

See, it's not really hard, just takes practice. And that's why we're here. Just post here, and we'll give you a lovely place to stay and train. Grab a chair, pencil, and learn.

[blitzy]

Students Enrolled:

• Bat
  
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To join, just post here, and you will be put in the list. More spaces will be added as needed. All that is required is you post a sample of your RPing skills, and a teacher will come and help you out. If you want to do it over PM or just in this thread is completely your decision.[/blockquote]

[bat]

Ok, so here is my roleplay sample. It is just something I whipped up so it's nothing special.


Oh poor dear one, Raven de Luca thought as she cuddled a small little kitten to her chest. Walking back to her townhouse she remembered how she had found the little creature. She had been thinking, as she walked through the outdoor market, about how maybe she should build her own orphanage for children and have a small shelter in it. Her home was getting pretty crowded with everyone and everything she took in to help. A whimper is what caught her attention. Turning down the alley she used her enhanced her eyes sight to fit the dim light, and looked around her. There was a small child on the ground that had marks in its neck. Instantly she knew that a vampire had been here and that it had drained this poor child. She reached out a gloved hand and ran it over the child’s head when she heard the whimper again but this time a meow was with it. Pausing she looked closer. A small kitten was huddled in the child’s arms. Its was filthy but Raven knew that this was probably a street child, whom had tried to talk this little kitten home for her pet and as something that would love her.

Raven sighed and bent to pick you the kitten. She smiled as she took the thing into her arms and she quickly walked out of the alley with her coat around the animal. As she walked back home she knew that soon she would be changing to the part of herself that she hated beyond measure. Sighing she cuddle the creature closer into her arms. Coming to the stairs of her home she looked up and around herself, before going inside. “Evening, Miss.” Webster, her butler said as she came in the door and took her coat. He looked down and smiled as he saw the new kitten in her arms. Her servants were used to her bringing in animals off the street. “Good Evening, Webster. Is there any new messages or anything for me to look at?” Raven asked as she walked into her study and laid the kitten by the fire to get warm. “No, ma’am. Would you like me to have Val bring in a bowl of milk?” He asked her as he stroked the kitten’s tiny head. Raven smiled and nodded. “Yes please and have her also fetch Hilda to take this little one to the stables so he may rest for the night.” Webster smiled, “Yes miss.” He walked from the room and moments later Hilda came in with Val a few feet behind her. “Girls please take this fellow to the stables and give him some milk to drink please.” They both nodded as she walked out of the room and they wrapped the kitten in a blanket; as Hilda took him to the barn, Val went and got some warm milk. They knew it was almost time for her to become Raven the jaguar that was a monster so they kept out of her way when they saw her.

As she went into her room, she saw her maid was already gone and the window was open. With a frown she felt the shimmer that was going through then. Slowly, her eyes changed to yellow and her nails grew longer. Soon she was a jaguar with sleek black fur and sharp claws. Smiling an evil smile she jumped out the window into the street below. Hungry, that was her only thought. Raven de Luca the animal and human lover was gone, and Raven de Luca the killer was now in her place stalking the alleys and docks of Asher, London.


Also it is definitely up to you on where we train.

[blitzy]

That's pretty good, but I think what would help you is if you read it again once you post it. That way, you can catch your repetition and mistakes. Also, when writing a story like this, try explaining things a little more. What era is it? How did she become a jaguar? Things of the sort.

[bat]

That was just a roleplay sample. But I totally get what your saying. Should I re-write it? Sorry I'm confused on what to do.

[blitzy]

Lets start with something simpler. I'll give you a very basic sentence, and I want you to take it, and change it to the way you think it should be.

Silverstar padded through the woods. Hearing a cry, she ran. She saw a loner attacking a warrior of her clan. She jumped in and threw the loner from the warrior. The warrior thanked her. They headed back to the camp.

There. Just take that 'paragraph' and turn it into a better one, where it flows better. Fill it with details, dialogue, thoughts, whatever you feel like. Then we'll go from there.

[bat]

Silverstar padded through the woods, taking her daily walk around the boarder of the camp. As she kept going though she heard a cry, right away she took off running towards the cry. When she got there she hissed as she saw Blackfrost getting attacked by a loner named Marsh. Quickly going over to them, Silverstar struck her paw at the loner hitting him square in the shoulder and knocking him away from Blackfrost. He quickly jumped up and hissed at Marsh, who in turn hissed back before turning and going on his way. They seemed to have a run in with him a lot lately. This had Silverstar wondering if maybe one of her clan had mated with Marsh without her knowledge. Shaking her head she looked at her warrior, who smiled at her and thanked her for helping him. Blackfrost had only become a warrior a moon ago, so he was still new to all of this. Smiling back she swished her tail against his nose playfully and started back towards camp. She wanted to get some questions answered from the she-cats of the clan and didn't want to risk anymore of their clan by not doing so right away.

There you go. I know it's not very long but it sounds pretty good. At least to me it does.

[blitzy]

Indeed. It is better, but try to expand this. See if you can rewrite this to make it at least 350 words, as is the requirement.

For me, it helps starting with something you have written there, then going from there. Explain how they know Marsh's name. Explain the other attacks, put more detail into it. Describe the area, the attacks, the pelts, Silverstar's thoughts.

[Fia]

Also, make much use of commas. Lots and lots of spots for commas in that paragraph! Anywhere you might pause if reading aloud, use a comma. Commas are your friends.

(Please excuse my butting in! X3)

[moonfeather1]

Can I have some help plz

[Fia]

Of course. =] But we need to know what, exactly, you'd like some help with. ('Everything/anything' isn't an answer, I'm afraid. X3) How about we start with a writing sample? Each roleplay post here has to be at least 350 words long (two or three solid paragraphs), since we are an intermediate-to-advanced level roleplay site; but for now, right here, a paragraph is fine. Give me one paragraph of your best writing with any character you like (doesn't have to be from this site). And we'll go from there. =]

[flustern]

Oh...I'd like to give this a try. Should I give you guys an RP sample??...heh, yeah. I think I'll just jump ahead and do just that...although I have to go soon, so I will not be able to finish my post...so give me some time to give you guys something to look over...yeh? yeah. (:

(post is WIP...hold on...)

She could feel the midnight wind lapping at her back, feeling as if a someone was there with her. Watching her and taking in the same air she took, poetic it was but it oddly made her skin shiver as if winter were already biting her in the backside. She turned her head, golden orbs of fire scanning the surrounding forest, watching the nearby ferns shift in the proceeding nightly winds, their leaves swaying like cat tails, twirling in an elegant dance of mischief. SorrelLeaf smiled, she was alone and she knew it. This air smelled of no other but forest floor, trees and moss, the long gone fox that had passed by for a drink at the stream, the vole she heard when approaching the clearing only hours ago. All the smells were still very fresh, but she knew they were fading. Disappearing into the night like the whispers of mice, the whispers of foxes and voles, of badgers and owls. Now only if this could last for eternity. She thought carelessly, knowing that such a wish could never be so. Time must go on. Her whiskers twitched anxiously as another strong breeze kicked up at her opposite side, her furry coat becoming ruffled and played with as if being rubbed against by another cat. Her nose wrinkled as her lips drew back in an (not done, g2g)